OK, You Only Have Your Own Reality, But HOW DO YOU RELATE TO YOUR REALITY?

Introducing ´The Three Stances´

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Or read here: Walking the Path of Radical Honesty

I have written extensively on ´Radical Honesty´ (or ´Radical Subjectivity´) – my belief that “all we ever know is our own reality - our own unique experiencing of the ever-evolving moment” - and on Radical Honesty as a path: the challenge (once we have accepted the principle) of living in felt-connection with our unique experiencing – and on how living this way can carry us into an exquisite relationship with The Great Mystery of Existence.

However, IMO (In My Opinion) the Path of Radical Honesty is not a perfectly flat and straight, asphalted road – it has its ups and downs – in fact sometimes it can be quite a wild ride! And even on a quiet day there can be moments when we´re entranced by our experiencing, moments when we´re in resistance, moments of deep presence, and moments when we´re tired, and drift off, or phase out.

So in this article I want to talk about the different ways we relate to our own, unique realities. And I´m going to divide these different ways we relate to our experiencing into three distinct, broad, basic categories.

There is no moral judgement here. I am not suggesting ´better/right´ or ´worse/wrong´ ways to relate to our realities. This is not a ´how to´ article. And yet there is a paradox... Just as sometimes people respond to the idea that “all is perfect, all is as it has to be, all is the only way it could be” with comments like “yes, and my desire to change things is also part of that perfection!”, or more personally “yes, I am perfect as I am - and yet I am also devoted to my own evolution!” - similarly, although arguing for a ´right way´ to relate to our experiencing would, IMO, be inflated and presumptuous – nevertheless, simultaneously, and paradoxically, I feel there are more and less conscious and compassionate ways to relate to our realities. We´ll discuss this further in a moment.

     But the main thing is that I see this categorisation into three possible ways of relating to our realities as a conceptual tool – an analytical lens we can use in our introspection. And I want to share it because I believe it can support us in recognising the way in which we´re relating to our reality in any given moment (and the ways in which we tend to relate to different aspects of our reality, generally) – and therefore equip us with a more precise awareness – and therefore with more choice, and therefore with greater sovereignty and freedom.

Three Energetic Stances

More accurately than there being three basic ways of relating to our experiencing, I would say there are three basic energetic stances – which are that we can be (1) leaned forward, (2) leaned back, or (3) upright.

 What do I mean by ´leaned forward´? I mean those times when we get so engrossed in a situation (regardless of whether it is pleasurable or painful) that we lose contact with ourselves – becoming entranced, almost hypnotised by the situation – so that we could almost say we ´become victims´ of the situation. In this sense, even if we are in a dominating, controlling mood – feeling ourselves ´on top of things´ - if our attention has been fully captured by the situation that we feel we are keeping under control, we are still, therefore, its ´victim´.

By ´leaned back´ I mean those times when we are in resistance to our experiencing – when we deny it, negate it, or try to repress or transcend it – when, in one way or another, we seek to avoid or escape it. And in a sense - even though we are now in the opposite energetic stance to being ´leaned forward´ - and even though, in a way, we are not now lost inside the situation, but more ´lost inside ourselves´ (and out-of-relationship with the situation) - since our whole way of being is in-reaction-to, and therefore being-controlled-by the situation, we could say we are still ´victims´ to it. The third possible energetic stance, as I see it, is to be ´upright´ - neither unstable because ´leaned forward´, or unstable because ´leaned back´ - but stable, in balance. Neither ´positively´ or ´negatively´ controlled by the situation (neither absorbed nor rejecting), but steady – present-to whatever we are feeling in our body, heart and energy. Grounded, rooted, present, connected. Neither absent to self, nor lost in self – but in deep relationship with the situation – without being pushed and pulled and thrown-about by it.

And I don´t mean this ´uprightness´ in a literal, vertical sense. In the way I mean it, we can be ´upright´ while lying on the grass in the park: neither ´leaned forward´ (absorbed, say, in worry about how passers by might be perceiving us, or endlessly agitated by the summer flies), nor ´leaned back´ (counting the minutes until we can get back to the office, say - or judging the experience as a waste of time). We can be horizontally ´upright´! Feeling the grass, feeling the solidity of the ground, feeling the people, feeling the atmosphere in the park, feeling the day – with no push, no pull, just feeling it all – the ever-changing, never-repeating flow of our experiencing...

Back To Paradox

So should our goal be to be upright? My answer is “well, yes and no!” Back to paradox! On the one hand, I would never advocate a grand quest to achieve an ever-upright perfection! IMO, the quest to someday achieve presentness is obviously contradictory. As is seeking to change ourselves in order to find self-acceptance. So let´s have no quest. Or we could say that if we must have a quest – let it be to have no quest – to just be aware of how we are relating to our reality – however our reality might feel.

Yet, on the other hand, IMO, ´just being aware´ leads to uprightness. Because as soon as we are aware that we are ´leaned forward´ (lost in the pleasure or pain of a situation) - we are no longer so lost in it. Or as soon as we are aware that we are ´leaned back´ and full of fear (for example), then we have begun to feel our fear, and are not so ´leaned back´.

Perhaps we could say that we are devoted to uprightness, but that we are not pursuing it - that the Path of Radical Honesty (deepening presentness-to our unique experiencing) is not end-goal focused. That it is not a quest for the perfectly balanced energetic stance. That there is no “I´m leaned back/forward” (bad), and “I should be upright” (good) - no self-judgement, only self-observation, recognition, self-acceptance and self-love. Yet - that we also welcome the natural arising, over the years, as if by grace, of ´uprightness´ - the capacity to be-penetrated-by our experiencing without becoming its victim.

Or as Rumi might have defined ´uprightness´ - finding ourselves “in the arms of The Beloved” - detached from the world, yet not distant from it - moved by the world, yet not overcome by it – held in the sweetness of The Divine Embrace.

We could say that The Three Stances is a tool – not a weapon! That it needs to be used with great sensitivity. After all - how can we judge whether we ourselves, or someone else, is overly ´leaned forward´ or overly ´leaned back´? Let´s take the caricature example of ´the mad genius scientist´ who neglects his body, his relationships, and even his surroundings - because he is so engrossed in his research. Is he extremely ´leaned forward´? Yes. Is he utterly possessed by his reality - and completely unbalanced? Yes. Has he lost all self-awareness? Yes. Could we say (as I said in the opening paragraphs) that he is, therefore, ´the victim´ of the external situation? Yes. And yet, perhaps, if he behaved any differently his creative process would not flow - and he would not make his groundbreaking discovery! How can we judge?!

Similarly, someone might be extremely ´leaned back´ because they are in deep grief, in mourning. Perhaps they go to dinner parties and people comment they are “miles away”, “in there own bubble”. Perhaps they too neglect their bodies, their homes – and people judge their housekeeping and hygiene! Perhaps this goes on for months, years – and their friends drift away. But who are we to say how long they should grieve and be ´leaned back´ in their loss? Who are we to judge when it would be right for them to ´learn forward´ into the world again?

Uprightness, I believe, is the energetic stance of balanced consciousness – but I also believe there are times when consciousness needs to be unbalanced!

Using the Three Stances: Introspection & Energetic Adjustment

So – having accepted the maxim of Radical Honesty/Subjectivity – that “we only ever experience our own experiencing” – and having set out upon the Path of Radical Honesty – the path of deepening presentness-to our own experiencing – how can we use ´the conceptual tool´ of The Three Stances of leaned forward/leaned back/upright to support us?

Firstly, I would say that, IMO - not everyone can! As with any tool – we have to be able to grip it. And IMO not everyone has yet developed (or been blessed with) the necessary stillness and largeness-of-heart to be able to recognise the emotional/energetic landscape they´re going through, and how they´re going through it. And if someone can´t recognise all of this, how can they work with it?

So before we talk about how to use this ´categorisation tool´, we have to learn how to grip it – and by this I mean there is preparatory spiritual/energetic and psychological/emotional work to do. If, for example, we are in front of friends and have become overwhelmed by shame – the energy of shame pulsing through our body, feeling it´s bigger and more powerful and painful than we can bear – and we haven´t done the preparatory work of ´making friends´ with our shame - then we are not going to have the inner-strength or inner-space to be able to stay-present and recognise that we are spinning in cycles of ´leaned-forwardness´ (feeling caught up in our friends´ judgements) and ´leaned-backness´ (wanting to run and hide).

And the two essential factors of all preparatory work (the work that will enable us to stay-present, in the moment, with whatever´s arising) are, IMO (a) the cultivation of our Centre or Essence and (b) the cultivation of the capacity to offer loving-acceptance from that Centre to all aspects of our beautiful, crazy, wounded, unique, conditioned, colourful personalities.

As I said before, I believe none of this is linear - but that little by little, over time, as inner-space opens up within us – we become more and more able to use the tool of The Three Stances. We become able to apply it. We can self-observe, in the moment. And as we bring a kind, witnessing eye to our experiencing we see (for example) “oh, I am so impressed by this person in front of me that I have forgotten my own self-worth – I am valuing them excessively, and under-valuing myself. I am extremely ´leaned forward´”. We can feel that our energy is fixated on the other - almost as if it is flying out towards them - and then (as we continue to gently, kindly self-observe) we notice our body feels light and floaty – almost as if we´re not quite in it! We have become capable of applying the conceptual tool of The Three Stances to our actual experiencing – of perceiving our energetic stance - and deciding how we want to proceed.

Because IMO, with recognition comes choice. Now we can ask “what do I want to do about this – about being so ´leaned forward´? Am I OK with it? Do I want to continue to self-observe? Or shall I pull my energy back to Centre - back into ´uprightness´?” Perhaps this ´extremely leaned forward´ tendency is something we are familiar with in ourselves, yet something we want to ´befriend´ more deeply - so we decide to continue kindly self-observing. (After all, IMO, ´the preparatory work´ never ends!)

 Perhaps we have ample intellectual understanding of our lack of self-worth – the lack that causes us to be so ´leaned forward´ into others - and over-value them, and under-value ourselves. But we also know that understanding is not enough. Here, in the moment, we feel, is a healing opportunity – a beautiful opportunity to bring love to ´the part of ourselves´ that feels low self-worth. We notice (for example) the inauthenticity in our laughter, or how we can´t seem to look peacefully into the other person´s eyes. We notice how we don´t fully consider what we want to say. Above all, we feel what it feels like to be so leaned-forward, so possessed by low self-worth – in our bodies, both physically and subtly. We open - lightly, gently, caringly – to our actual, ´leaned forward´, energetic experiencing.

And as I said before, I believe that “once we are aware that we are ´leaned forward´ (lost in the pleasure or pain of a situation) – then we are no longer so lost in it” - so (although we have made no attempt to ´correct´ our energetic stance) we will find ourselves returning effortlessly to a more centred ´uprightness´ in our reality. IMO this is because as we continue to self-observe – to lovingly self-observe – we increasingly look through the eyes of our Centre or Essence, which is always ´upright´. So there is a natural ´transference of identification´: we let go of looking at ourselves through the eyes of self-deprecation, and we start to look upon ourselves with the healing eyes of love.

Or perhaps we self-observe in our ´leaned forward´, disempowered stance – and we do decide to adjust it. Perhaps we feel the conversation is crucial – for some reason or other – and that this is not the moment to attend to our healing. Perhaps we decide “yes, I want to balance-up! I want to value the person I am with, but I also want to value myself! I need to be more fully myself and express myself more confidently! I need to be more ´upright´!” And how do we adjust our energetic stance? The way I recommend is - with the breath!* Just as electrical tools run on electricity – the tool of The Three Stances runs well on breath!

How to breathe into ´uprightness´? The way I know is this: you alternate your breathing thus: you offer/release an exhalation through your own body/energy, then you offer/release an exhalation towards the other person (or the situation). “Breath to self, breath to other. Breath to self, breath to other.” And as you breathe you deliberately balance-up your attention – gradually giving the same amount of attention to yourself (your own body/energy) as you are giving to the other person (or the situation). No more, no less. 50/50. Half for yourself, half for other.

In this way (if we feel we are excessively ´leaned forward´) we find ourselves moving back energetically into the centred, ´upright´ stance. And if we feel we are excessively ´leaned back´, we find ourselves moving forward energetically into the centred, ´upright´ stance.

Walking The Path Together

IMO none of this is particularly complicated - but it does need practice. If we are ongoingly-engaged with what I previously called “the first essential factor of our preparatory work” (the cultivation of our Centre or Essence) – then we´ll have a felt-connection with our upright Centre. We´ll be familiar with the pleasure of presence we experience when we´re centred. And we´ll be quick to notice when we´re not ´in´ that pleasure. We´ll notice we´re being impatient, sharp perhaps, aggressive even - with others. Or we´ll notice we´re feeling dull, numb, sulky or withdrawn. And these will be signs to us that we´re ´leaned forward´, or ´leaned back´ - and an invitation to self-observe – and decide what we want to do.

And if we are ongoingly-engaged with what I previously called “the second essential factor of our preparatory work” (the cultivation of the capacity to offer loving-acceptance from that Centre to all aspects of our personalities), then we´ll gradually be able to embrace any and all of our experiencing (without getting caught up in whether or not we “ought” to be feeling what we´re feeling – without getting lost in the judgemental labyrinth of the mind). “Yes I am afraid, and yes I am finding it difficult to stay-with my fear, and yes half of my energy is already out of the door! But I am staying. I am not judging myself. I am accepting myself as I am. I have let go of all ideas of ´perfection´. This is me, as I am right now – on my own, unique journey.” And thanks to this self-kindness – even if it´s sometimes precarious – an effortless healing occurs – gradually, of its own accord.. The parts of ourselves that caused us to be so ´leaned forward´ or so ´leaned back´ don´t seem to possess us with the same strength anymore. We experience a widening freedom. We become more loving of our perfectly-imperfectly-perfect, unique selves.

Perhaps we sometimes choose to ´breath our way back to uprightness´. Perhaps sometimes we feel we want to feel our ´unbalancedness´ more deeply – and ask what it wants of us, ask what it´s trying to tell us. Perhaps we are irritable and intolerant of others because we are very ´leaned forward´ and feel under pressure (for example). But perhaps returning immediately to ´uprightness´ would be a ´spiritual bypass´ - a way of transcending the discomfort we´re feeling. Perhaps if we stay-with the feeling of being-under-pressure a little longer we come realise that we´re trying to do too much, or going too fast - and that there are specific changes we need to make.

With the tool of The Three Stances we can self-lovingly self-observe. We can recognise our energetic stance. But when to stay-with our experiencing, as it is? When should we return to energetic ´uprightness´? When immediately? When gradually? Is there a ´right´ or ´wrong´ way to respond to what we are feeling and observing? IMO, there is not. IMO, we are here, now, within and part-of The Great Mystery – and as I said before, I see no straight, asphalted path before us. Not only this, but sometimes the emotional climate feels bright and open, and sometimes it feels dense and foggy. So is there anything else we can do – other than try to be as receptive, sensitive, spacious and honest as we can? Yes, I believe there is. I believe we can walk the path with others.

To paraphrase the Spanish poet, Antonio Machado: “traveller, there is no path! The path appears as we walk it. In fact, the path appears due to our walking!” And yes, each of us is within our own reality – yet you are inside mine, and I am inside yours – and to me it feels as if all of our realities are interwoven! For me, in yet another profound paradox: we are are inseparably alone! We are all alone – together! And although I do not feel what you feel when you are sad (for example), but rather, feel my own empathic resonance with your sadness. And although I have no idea if you see what I see when we both say “green”, “red”, “blue” - nevertheless, the admiration I feel you feel towards me arouses self-worth in me, and the discomfort with my behaviour that I feel you feel invites me to question myself, and the love I perceive in your eyes helps me bring love to myself. In fact, I don´t see how we can walk the path without each other! I believe we need sangha, community, tribe. I believe that we need each other as fundamentally as our bodies need warmth and water.

And I feel talking about our experiencing, our doubts, our struggles, our breakthroughs - with others who are also walking the Path of Radical Honesty (“I only ever experience my own experiencing - so why be interested in anything else?!”) - can be not only clarifying, heart-opening and empowering for each of us individually, but is also the foundation for authentic relationships.** In fact, those of you who have read other writings of mine will know that I consider what I call ´conscious relating´ to be perhaps the most important aspect of our shared path towards conscious community, and ultimately towards conscious civilisation. And this doesn´t mean turning our relationships into never-ending therapy sessions! It means living together in transparency, humility, intimacy – and ultimately, bliss.

I´ll end here – for now! I hope you have found this article interesting. As I began by saying: it is one thing to accept the principle of Radical Honesty – but for some of us “I only have my own reality” soon becomes a path. And then the question “how do I relate to my reality?” emerges within us. If you already are, or are becoming, one such person - I hope the tool of The Three Stances will prove helpful in responding to that question.

 IMO, all maps and models, tools and techniques and categorisations (including The Three Stances) are lines drawn in the sand! I just hope this is a helpful line!

And I feel there is a lot more than The Three Stances in this article. There´s Radical Honesty, paradox, The Divine Embrace, the two main aspects of preparatory work, 50/50 breathing, the call to community, and so on. Perhaps one of them has touched you more deeply than The Three Stances. Only you can know...

I wish you well, with all my heart, on your own, unique path of presentness-to your own, unique reality.

*

* In ´Love & Revolution´ I speak extensively about breathing and presentness. I would recommend reading the first few chapters, and then Chapter 15: Radical Honesty, Living It.

** In ´Love & Revolution´ I also speak extensively about Conscious Relating – both in everyday life, and as a formal ´shared meditative practice´ with another person (or in a group). Again, I´d recommend reading the first few chapters – but then to go on to Chapter 7: The Practice Of Conscious Relating (2 People), and Chapter 8: The Practice Of Conscious Relating (As A Tribe).

*

´Love & Revolution´ is the foundational text of The Conscious Tribes Project and is available as a free ebook, or for purchase as a paperback, from the Conscious Tribes website.

If you have any questions related to this article, or would like to explore any part of it more deeply, please feel free to get in touch at tribusconscientes@protonmail.com Mark Josephs,

"Mark the Mystic Activist",

Aragon, Spain,

Summer 2025

"I feel Conscious Tribes are driven by something beautiful, profound, powerful and important. I try to convey this in my articles, stories and poetry." www.tribusconscientes.com

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